Hi everyone! 

   I promise I have been running, I just have not been updating like I should. We have had a crazy few weeks. Hope everyone had a nice Easter!

   I have been debating posting what I am about to say because I still feel so conflicted about it. But, this is a blog about my journey, and the feelings I have are all a part of my journey. Who knows, maybe it will even help me.

   Last night, I went to a TNT running group. For those of you who don't know, when running through Team in Training, you are provided with running coaches and mentors who host meet ups all around the state. I posted about my first one a few weeks ago in New Canaan. Last night's meet up was in Brookfield, and was a little different. It was a track workout, so I didn't actually "just run". Our workout went like this:
   - 1 mile of light jogging around the track
   - 6 200 meter runs, each time trying to shave 1 second off of your time
   - 4 300 meter runs, again trying to shave a second off each time
   - 2 400 meter runs, you guessed it -- shaving a second or two off of each time
   - 1/2 mile cool down

   I am already crying as I begin to organize my thoughts to start typing. 

   I want to just start off by saying that the people I met at this particular run were amazing. Jenn, who is a pastor and is running in honor of a friend from her congregation who is thanfully in remission.. And Glen, who is completing a triathalon in memory of his brother who lost his battle 26 years ago. And our coach, Alan, an incredible athlete who taught me so much.They were so supportive and I loved running with them. 

   But last night was incredibly hard for me. I began by running the first mile at a jogging pace. I was able to keep up with the other runners for the whole mile! I felt pretty good. We completed some exercises to keep our ligaments in our hips and knees nice and loose. Again, I was able to keep up and felt pretty good.

  Then, we split up to start our 200s. I started out at 1:07 for my first one, and got all the way down to :55 for my final one! Again, I felt pretty good. It was hard always coming in last. Tim and Glen were super fast, and Jenn was ahead of me, also. But, I did it, and shaved over 10 seconds off of my time, so I felt great. We started our 300 meters, and Alan told me he suspected I wouldnt go too fast, because there comes a time in every workout where we just run out of energy. 

I was a little offended at first, but he was 100% right. 

For the next 5 descendings, I watched everyone else run. I pushed and pushed myself, but I had nothing left in the tank. Alan helped me by giving me some great advice on my form, because I was wasting energy by twisting my arms to the side to try and push myself to go faster when I was running out of steam. It was awesome advice, and I am definitely going to keep it in mind!

For our final cool down, I ran one lap. Then, Alan told me to "just walk" the last one.

Just. Walk.

I wanted to cry. I definitely fought back tears because I didn't want to be "that girl". I watched everyone else run it without a problem, as I walked it alone. I watched everyone stop at the end of the track and stand around to WAIT for me. I was humiliated. Alan had talked to me about how easy it is to get out of shape. All of the running and training I had been trying to do on my own didn't even show with my running yesterday. It was clear that it appeared as though I just woke up and decided to run that day, and had never even trained in the past. I can't imagine how much less I would have been able to do if I had tried to do that workout a few months ago. I thought I was doing so well with my training, and this workout made me feel like I still have so much farther to go. It's making me doubt that I will ever be able to finish the race. 

What has stuck with me is the encouragement that I did get. Jenn was so great it telling me that I could do it, and she congratulated me when I was able to take some time off of my 200's. Alan was so helpful with his advice and his patience with me. 

I got in the car, and cried my eyes out. I got to work this morning and cried my eyes out. (Sorry Wendy ;) ). But I keep trying to tell myself that this is a really big journey, and it will make crossing the finish line that much more rewarding.

I am fearful that a post like this will make me look weak or like a drama queen. But I hope that anyone who reads it understands that I am sharing it with you because I am hoping that as I look back on this journey, I will see it as just a little speed bump in the long road to running the race. This isn't something that I take lightly. This is a really hard thing for me, to be able to run 13.1 miles. And I guess I just want everyone to be able to see that. I keep running all of the rude things people have said to me about my running abilities and about me writing this blog through my head, even though I know I shouldn't. I should be focusing on the positives -- how much I am raising in memory of my uncle, the confidence being able to run this race will give me, etc. Hopefully letting it all out here will let me get it off of my chest and I can start to be excited and happy about my running again.

I'll post again soon, because I have my first 6 mile run this weekend. I'm hoping I can just get through that and that will help to motivate me and get me back on the right track. Thanks for anyone who made it this long;  brevity is not my forte.

See you soon.